Et Tu Beth Oliver

Oh the horror of it all! It started as a simple day of shopping planned over a month ago between good friends. Getting out early and attacking Tanger Outlets with a defense that couldn’t lose! We planned the attack early, beginning with a buffet breakfast at Golden Corral at Tanger so we wouldn’t miss a precious minute. Then IT happened.

Beth paid for her breakfast first and moved on. It was my turn. To my surprise, the cashier looked right into my eyes and blurted “Are you 60?” I answered that I would not be 60 for another 5 weeks and I was momentarily stunned, hearing a strange sound coming from my right. It was Beth Judas Iscariot Oliver just giggling away. Oh no, I thought, Beth will not get away with that!! I must do something….I must have some revenge. I looked at the cashier and pointed to Beth and stated boldly “you didn’t ask HER that!” Aha, I had turned the tables now, but much to my surprise, the cashier said “Well, SHE doesn’t look 60” As the knife pierced more deeply into my heart, there stood Beth, the Brutus to my Caesar, having a huge hoot over my quickly deteriorating circumstances! I let the cashier know that I was deeply annoyed at the fact that she even had to ask me. Why just that morning as I did my makeup and got ready I looked into my mirror and thought “hey girl, you look pretty good”. I guess I now know why I wear glasses….

We found a table and I pondered my predicament. What is a girl to do??? What is a girl to do… What is a girl to do!!!! The answer came quickly and decisively!!! EAT and SHOP!!! That was the only thing that could heal my anxiety and the realization that somehow, others knew that horrible fact about me…that I was actually aging….and apparently not as graciously as I thought! YES, that was the answer!! We moved swiftly with calculated patterns and my hand swiped that American Express card with a speed that would even amaze David Copperfield . My forgiveness to Beth came quickly as she understood my immediate desires and became a wonderful cheerleader with “yes, you need that” pouring over and over from her lips. And, not only that, she showed such compassion that she too in a moment of female camaraderie pulled out her card and began swiping away with an understanding look on her face that said “I feel your pain”!!! We triumphed with a trunk full of treasures for others as well as a few things for ourselves (of course, a girl has to have something for herself!). We left Tanger as conquering heroes knowing that one day we would be back and respected for the authority we had shown over those stores!!

I was feeling better about it all, at least until Sunday afternoon, when my darling husband got into the act… I told him of the traumatic episode of the day before, knowing that he would be there with a loving comfort that only he could have. However, another betrayal, another stake to the heart as he pointed out a grey streak in my hair going from my temple to my ear on one side. I must now preface this by saying that several years ago, he walked up behind me as I sat in a chair, looked down and commented that he never realized I had so much grey hair. At that time I shot him a look that would have turned any mortal man into a pillar of salt. But not him, I needed him to live. I needed him to work to indulge the madness that overcomes me when I walk into a Kohl’s Store!! He said that he knew I didn’t like him to make comments about my hair but felt that I should know this and that might be the answer to why the cashier asked me about my age the day before!! I looked at him again, eyes blazing, and then thought to myself “I have already gotten my revenge the day before”. Hey honey, remember when you thought about retirement?? Well after yesterday, put it right out of your mind!!! Ha!!

Later that night Tony went to work and I attended my weekly group gathering of good friends where I knew I would find comfort and understanding…..yeah….right!!!! THAT didn’t happen. Oh well, I suppose I have to face the fact that I am in fact getting older. Did I lose sleep over this????? Of course I did because I had to wake up the next morning at 5:00 a.m. in order to color my hair before going to work. This is my story. Age creeps up on you fast…….one minute you’re dancing to American Bandstand and the next you’re waiting with anticipation for Lawrence Welk!!! Be careful my friends….this WILL happen to you!!!! Always keep an extra bottle of Nice & Easy on hand. You will need it!!

By the way, I have totally forgiven Beth and Tony for their transgressions against me, after all, I might need them to change my diapers someday soon……